true story: I went to a K-Wings hockey game yesterday. Super duper fun, first time i’ve been to a hockey game. they had on the screens to tweet #kwingsdj or something like that to request a song to be played in the stadium. i thought that Whisky in the Jar would be cool to hear and sounds like something the dj/crowd would go for, considering the situation. but my phone is a piece of junk, so I didn’t bother getting onto twitter and requesting it. and then like a half hour later, the dj plays Whisky in the Jar. crazy!! they read my mind.
ohhhhh my baby is so good to me. and i loooooove him.
yesterday he unexpectedly loooooooved me very goodly.
and right now it’s 3 a.m. and he’s making us a bagel to split (:
it’s his 21st birthday! hooray! now we can share some new great memories in places we’ve never been before…..in all the brewpubs, etc in Kalamazoo and ect! i am so excited to get to go out and drink some nice drinks with my most beautiful man.
i am just beginning to write a paper that is due tomorrow…..and i have 2 classes to go to…..and then all should be well…..for a few hours.
as i’m struggling to write this paper on the social construction of adolescence….i mindlessly went back on fb..on a random person’s (hillbilly-like) profile..and there were picture of babies/toddlers…and i thought “is there anything more important than babies?!? i should be an elementary teacher. Hank said last night “I don’t know why you aren’t teaching elementary.” yeah yeah……..The thing is, I think that i would LOVE to teach elementary, and I would LOVE to teach high school. I don’t know which one I would love more yet. And I don’t feel like I have to decide just yet. I’m 21, and only 1.5 years away from being a high school teacher. I will become a high school teacher, and I will probably love it…every time I think about it I feel this surging ache in my chest that pushes me forward, and makes me want to have a classroom that I can exert positive influence in! And I think it will be great…hell I am spending thousands of dollars to become I teacher, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think it was meant to be. But also, there is plenty of time to become an elementary teacher instead, or as well. I can teach hs, and then go back to college and come out again ready to teach elem if I think that will be good for me and for my students as well. I can love both! I love school in general and I love being a teacher.
so i just went down to the gym to do my regular little workout. and i hadn’t even been on the treadmill for 2 minutes before some dude comes in to work out too ): it is extremely uncomfortable to workout with someone else in the room…particularly having to make sure that you are not panting too loud while running! right off the bat he introduces himself and makes small talk for a long time, while i have I Love You, Man on the tele and i am just trying to make it through my 2 mile job/run/walk on the treadmill. he did the exercise bike and lifted weights. normally i would’ve done my weightlifting, but it would have been way too awk, so i skipped ): when I finished my 2 miles & packed up my stuff he was like “You heading out?” and i’m like Yeah it was nice to meet you. and he was like yeah nice to meet you too and i’m like thanks and he says “hope to see you around” and i say “yeah” in a squeaky manner and walk out the door. bleh. and then i get into my apt and look in the mirror and my face is extremely red and i have sweaty, loose strands of hair behind my ears kinda giving me a mullet. so gross. props to a guy that can say “hope to see around” to an out-of-shape beet-red-faced chick. i know that i don’t hope to see that unsightly red faced chick around! aka me haha.
but yeah that makes 6 miles in the past 4 days that i have done on the treadmill!!!! woot woot. my new year’s goal is to lose 20 pounds by March aka when Girls on the Run starts. i think i am somewhere around 175 right now, so 20 pounds is just the beginning of what i need and want to lose. but i think 20 pounds in 60-something days is quite realistic.
look what you are doing to me. i’ve listened to about 15 too many taylor swift songs tonight. i am resentful.
"maybe we got lost in translation,
maybe i asked for too much,
but maybe this thing was a masterpiece
before you tore it all up.”
after plaid shirt days
and nights when you made me your own
right now i feel like everything is wrong with me. i cannot feel okay. my mind takes it all in and tells me that it’s all my fault. there is no rationalizing myself to feel better. i physically cannot. it’s all bad, and it all means that i am useless. i feel like i am literally crazy. real crazy. that’s what it seems like. and even though i think this, i cannot feel like and convince myself that there is something wrong here and that it can be changed. my mind just tells me that it makes perfect sense that i am the source of why…i am alone right now.
i know it might be a little fucked up but i am terribly looking forward to being 21 in just a couple weeks so that i can drink these thoughts away, and finally force my mind to let it all go for a minute, to stop making it impossible to feel okay, to feel like i’m not crazy. because for 21 years and for all the recent nights that i have bawled myself to sleep, there has been nothing to convince me that i’m okay. that i’m not useless. it’s bad.
things to do over christmas break:
i actually haven’t eaten anything yet today unless you count a black coffee and a tall mocha. and i’ve been up since 6:30am. and it’s 4:15. and it’s time to go to work. ): it’s easier to not eat when you HATE YOURSELF.
even though he is a few miles and 15 minutes away from me, in another house, it is a lonely feeling knowing that he is asleep and I am awake. it feels different than if i knew he was awake. but no, he is a bit further away from me, where a text cannot reach him, where his mind will not think of me for the next six hours, no matter how much mine thinks of it. very strange and very lonely.
I AM A COFFEE ADDICT. i am a starbucks addict.
starbucks employee = starbucks addict.
i had some Fourth Coast coffee this morning, but that was 12 hours ago now. and i might be doing an all-nighter-ish night tonight ): and i want starbucks! it’s been like over a day since i had starbucks. and i want some now. boyfriend bring me some. but no, the snowy roads are treacherous.